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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It frustrates my close ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.